


whenever i think of home

by sugdensrobert



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Andy's nice in this, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Prison Robert, Written for robert week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:41:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26015911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: when robert spots his brother in the village he thinks about everything andy's missed out on.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54





	whenever i think of home

**Author's Note:**

> written for robert week 2020 day 4: quote.

_And Aaron. He makes you a better person, you know that don’t ya?_

It’s what keeps running through his mind as he makes his way back to the mill in a rush, only slightly considering what his husband’s going to say when he sees the state of him.

When he’s finally inside he just stands there, a few metres removed from the front door.

“Rob?” Aaron asks, knowing something’s wrong immediately. He comes forward slowly, looking him up and down. He sees it all as he glances to his side, to the kitchen table. Liv’s gone, he notices, probably deciding he took too long to get milk for her and Seb’s cornflakes, not able to wait if she wanted to make it to college in time. Seb is staring at him, munching on a piece of fruit.

“Robert? What’s happened? What’s wrong?” Aaron is now close enough to reach out to him, he touches his arm and Robert looks at him as he moves to stand right in front of his husband.

“Andy.” He wants to say more but he can’t get the words out- there are about a million things running through his mind but he can’t say any of them- just needs to give his husband some kind of hint what this is all about, why he’s in such a state.

“What?” Aaron stammers and Robert realises that the younger man must think that something terrible has happened to him, his brother. That somehow Robert has found out about this on his way to David’s, or even, in his shop.

“Is he-“

“He’s back.”

Seb’s playing on the floor, happy giggles reassuring both men that he’s fine- that he doesn’t mind this very unexpected interruption to his day, that he’s fine with the promise of going to the park straight after breakfast being broken.

Aaron places a cup of tea in front of him and Robert just knows it’s going to taste all sweet and sugary. Good for shock, they always say and Robert smiles at his husband gently- knows that the younger man isn’t sure what to do, what to say. Robert can relate to that so it’s okay. They sit in silence for what feels like a few minutes before Aaron places his hand on top of Robert’s as he asks him again what’s happened.

“I saw him, _them._ ” he starts clumsily. “I was on my way to get the milk and I saw him getting out of the car at Vic’s. Diane- she was there too.”

It’s what hurts most- or really, it’s the only thing that hurts. And it shouldn’t. Robert hates that he’s feeling like this- can’t believe his selfishness kicked in straight away when he saw his brother instead of joy and relief. The fact that his sister and Diane clearly knew all about this and he had no idea, no clue whatsoever. Robert has no idea how his sister and stepmum would have known to expect Andy. He was the one who helped him out of the country. This hurts too, he realises. He helped Andy get away. He did expect one day to see him again, and he had somehow mistakenly assumed that Andy would come straight to him. The guilt and self-loathing he feels make his stomach churn.

_Of course Andy wouldn’t go to him first. Yes, he helped him back then but that wouldn’t have been near enough to excuse all the hurt he had caused his brother. It doesn’t take away from the fact that he loves Vic and Diane so much more, Robert can’t really fault him for that, can he?_

“Rob?” Aaron prompts him gently and Robert realises that he’s been lost in thought for a while. He dares a glance at his husband who’s looking at him with a concerned expression. He sighs.

“It’s all I know really. He’s back. I know what I saw. And Diane and Vic clearly knew about him coming back- they were welcoming him. I didn’t know- I still don’t know.”

Aaron frowns and Robert answers the unspoken question. “I came straight back, without the milk. They didn’t see me, at least I don’t think they did.” Robert wonders whether he’s right- if nobody had cared to tell him about Andy why would they have yelled his name if they _had_ seen him pass?

“I don’t know why he’s back, whether he’s safe- or what the hell he’s doing really. I don’t know anything.” Robert clarifies.

“What are you gonna do now?” Aaron asks softly and Robert appreciates how his husband isn’t telling him what he should do or pressing him to go back over there. Aaron _knows_ Robert, knows that there will always be something so complex about Robert and Andy’s relationship.

“I don’t know- I really don’t know.” It’s not often that Robert is at a loss as to what to do but he is now.

Aaron’s squeezing his hand, reassuring Robert that he doesn’t expect another answer, a better one.

“I can’t believe nobody told ya anything about this.” Aaron says softly, he sounds so indignant on Robert’s behalf and Robert loves him. Aaron’s reaction makes him feel better about his. Not once has Aaron implied that it’s ridiculous for Robert to feel his way- for his first reaction to be annoyed about the fact that he knew nothing about his brother coming back- instead of running right at him, asking how the hell he’s doing- where he’s been and where he’s come from.

“God.” Robert says as he hides his face in his hands.

They’re still sitting at the kitchen table, Robert’s not sure how long it’s been exactly but it definitely hasn’t been long enough for him to come up with his next move and also not long enough for anyone to call or text him to tell him that Andy’s back. Robert imagines what would have happened if he hadn’t seen Andy with his own eyes. He would have probably heard about the return of his runaway brother after about a week.

“What?” Aaron asks as he goes to sit next to him again after bringing Seb a drink, the little boy on the couch engrossed in kids’ tv.

“It’s been about 5 years since he went on the run, Aaron.” It’s starting to sink in just how much his brother has missed all these years. Selfishly, Robert realises that he things that come to mind, the things Robert means when he thinks about stuff that Andy’s missed out on, are things to do with him.

“I know.” Aaron’s shaking his head, “I just- I don’t understand why he’s back now. He could have come back earlier right?”

Robert nods, “yeah- it’s what I don’t get either- or at least one of the things. He could have come back when it was clear what a psycho Lachlan really was, that he was clearly capable of shooting his own grandad, considering he killed him and all that. I suppose he would have still faced charges though- maybe that’s why he’s back now, because he made sure to be in the clear. I have honestly no idea.”

Aaron’s still shaking his head, clearly thinking about that time when he returned to the village after being on the run. There are a few beats of silence before Aaron interrupts it “what were you thinking about- a few minutes ago. You seemed to realise something.”

“Oh, yeah. Everything really. About the fact he left years ago. Everything he’s missed. I was thinking about it all in terms of us.”

“Eh?” Aaron says and Robert smiles weakly.

“He left before we were even married. Before I even asked you to marry me- when you nearly died in that car.” Aaron gulps but doesn’t interrupt him, even when they never really speak about _that._ “He wasn’t at our wedding, either of them and then-“ he stops himself, even now- when they are in the best place they’ve ever been it’s hard to talk about it, especially when it comes in the form of a brief mention. “Seb.” He just says and it seems to take a few seconds before Aaron realises what he’s getting at, really getting at.

Again, it shouldn’t be something that Robert is thinking about in these circumstances but he can’t help himself. Robert imagines Andy finding out about all the times his brother’s messed up while he was gone and he has to squeeze his eyes shut.

“Rob.” He feels a hand squeezing his arm before Aaron’s thumb is stroking it.

“I shouldn’t even care about that- at least not right now. I have no idea what Andy’s been through- if he’s even okay. I’m still the worst- especially when it comes to him.”

“You’re not.” Aaron’s voice is adamant. He seems to want to say more but stops himself. Robert can imagine what gets left unsaid because Aaron knows him better than anyone. _The fact that Robert sometimes still puts Jack and Andy in one box- because they were both there during difficult times in his life, often making those times even harder for him. That Robert sometimes still feels this pressure to show Andy that his life is perfect- that he’s faultless. To show him that he isn’t a disappointment._ Aaron would say it’s why he’s allowed to be hurt.

“You’re amazing.” It fits, the way Aaron is using the exact words he used that day, the day Robert had mentioned just moments earlier. The day he told Aaron something that he had been hiding for the best part of 15 years.

“Aaron-“

“No, let me. I didn’t get it for a long time and I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand everything about you and Andy but I do know one thing. Yes, you have done bad stuff but so has Andy- and you have the right to still feel things about that. And in the end, you helped him didn’t you? Because you wanted to, because you care about him, you wanted to make sure he’d be alright. Please don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling right now. It doesn’t make you a bad person, you’re not a bad person.”

Robert sniffs “thank you- I love you, so much.”

“I love you.” Aaron says, lifting up Robert’s hand to kiss it. Robert wants to melt into the softness of it all but the ache in his heart is still too strong.

“Harry.” Robert suddenly says and Aaron’s eyes widen. Robert feels the way his guilt becomes stronger at the fact he didn’t think of this straight away.

Whether Andy had been in contact with his sister before today or not- he’s never met Harry and Robert doubts that Vic would have told him about what happened to her even if they _had_ spoken before this.

“I should be there.” Robert feels sick and he must look it because Aaron’s got this concerned expression on his face again.

“Robert. She is strong. She’ll be fine.”

A new steady stream of never ending thoughts enter Robert’s mind- all things Andy had mostly likely no clue about before today. There is the fact that both Robert and Victoria have sons now- he almost laughs when he imagines the surprise on Andy’s face when he hears about it. Five years is a long time, Andy wouldn’t be surprised about Victoria being a mum now but Robert a dad? Robert suddenly imagines a different reaction from Andy to this news- suddenly not able to imagine his brother thinking he’d be a good dad. He looks over at Seb, feels something tugging at his heart as he watches his son waving his teddy’s paw at the television.

Then there’s Victoria and everything that happened about two years ago. Despite knowing that what Aaron said about his sister is true, Robert still feels like he should be with her right now- hates how he knows she has to go through it all again by telling their brother.

Then there’s the realisation that both him and Aaron don’t see as much of Sarah and Jack as they probably should-

“Our second wedding” Aaron suddenly says and Robert realises that his husband is still reminiscing about things that Andy’s missed out on, this time naming a memory that carries no extra baggage. He smiles “really missed out there did Andy.”

“He really did.” Aaron agrees.

“And everything after that.” Robert says, his smile fading. Aaron squeezes at his hand again and nods. “Wasn’t all bad though- what came after. You’re here aren’t ya- back with me where you belong.” Aaron says, referring to Robert’s prison stint, it was short- a lot shorter than 14 years but still a prison stint. One that’s left marks and memories that are hard to shake off.

“And a cute nephew.” Aaron continues, thinking of Harry. “Andy can’t complain really, he comes back and finds out he’s a uncle to two amazing little boys.”

Robert laughs at Aaron, thankful for the way his husband always seems to know how to make him feel better.

“He told me to look after you, that you make me a better person.” Robert can hear the shake in his voice.

“I know. And you did, you do. Everyday.”

Robert gives him a look but his husband stares right back. “You always put me first, maybe I haven’t always liked the way you’ve gone about it in the past but I’ve always seen it. You’re always thinking about me and our family.”

Robert gulps. “Maybe.”

“No maybe about it.” Aaron counters, expression serious.

It makes Robert want to be brave, makes him want to be there when Andy finds out about everything that’s been happening these last 5 years.

He’s about to muster up the courage to take both Aaron and Seb by the hand to take them to Vic’s when Seb suddenly stands up on the couch, pointing to something next to him.

“Daddy! Phone!”

Robert looks at Aaron knowing that it’s his husband’s phone their son must be referring to. His is upstairs.

_Oh._

He’s rooted to the ground, watching his husband grabbing his phone.

“Yeah that was Vic. She’s already hung up but left a voicemail. I think you should check your own phone don’t you?” Aaron says and Robert gives him a sheepish look. “Probably best.” He mumbles.

_I really don’t want to know if you two are up to any funny business but if you are, you should stop it now and come over. And Robert, please check your bloody phone!_

Robert stops in his tracks as he hears his sister’s voice coming from Aaron’s phone. He laughs, already trying to change his whole mindset towards the situation because it’s pretty clear his family wasn’t trying to hide stuff from him, quite the opposite. Once again Robert had worked himself up over something a bit too soon.

He’s glad he already knows why Victoria wants them to come over because his sister’s voicemail told them absolutely nothing. He rolls his eyes at his sister’s tactics and makes his way upstairs.

With his phone finally in hand, he makes his way downstairs- already letting Aaron know that his sister has called him about 10 times, left five voicemails and even more texts. He’s about to tell him that he won’t go to the bother to read and listen to them all when Aaron interrupts him.

“Do we take Seb? What do we do?”

Robert gulps before realising that this is as good a time as any for his brother to meet their son. He shrugs and kneels before Seb, who tries to look at his dad while also still trying to keep an eye on whatever’s happening on telly.

There is a knock at the door before Robert can tell his son anything. He meets his husband’s eye who just frowns and shrugs before walking over to welcome whoever it is.

Andy looks the same and different all at the same time. He looks small, vulnerable- Robert supposes that is because his brother is nervous, worried.

“Andy.” Aaron stammers and Robert mind shortcuts. He tries not to look too shocked for Seb’s sake as he squeezes his son’s knee before going to stand next to his husband.

“Andy- I” he doesn’t seem to know what to say either.

“I know this must be a shock but erm yeah, I’m back. I was at Vic’s but you weren’t replying to any of her messages so I just thought I’d come over- before you would learn it from anyone else.” Andy says carefully, not quite looking at them.

Robert gulps and Aaron looks at him, a soft expression on his face- like he knows that was all that Robert was worried about, being left out once again.

“God, come in. How are ya, how have ya been?” Everything in Robert is suddenly springing into action.

“Robert.” Robert feels how Aaron lays a hand on his lower back gently, letting him know that he should calm down- give Andy some time.

“I’m fine- still in one piece I suppose.” Andy tries to joke and Robert just keeps staring at him before suddenly throwing his arms around his brother- shocking both Andy and Aaron.

“Sorry- sorry.” Robert mumbles “I’m just happy to see ya mate. I didn’t think- I don’t know.”

Robert lets him go before looking at the ground, feeling embarrassed suddenly. He backs away a bit as Aaron shuts the door behind Andy.

“Daddy, who is that?” Robert thanks his son for distracting him from his embarrassment. He kneels in front of Seb once again.

“This is your uncle Andy. He’s been gone for a while but he’s back now.”

He can feel Andy staring at him and he hardly dares look up. Seb is doing the complete opposite as he’s staring his uncle down.

“Hiya mate. I’m your daddy’s brother. It’s nice to meet you.”

Seb grins at him, giving him a wave and Robert laughs.

“So-“ Robert says, not sure what to say- how to ask.

“Vic’s told me _a lot_ in the little time she had. I don’t mind though- prefer it to answering her millions of questions. My life has been a lot less exciting than any of yours, honestly.”

Robert looks at his brother, trying to detect a lie. Andy might have been safe and living some kind of life but it can’t have been easy. He feels sick thinking about the fact that Andy had gone on the run, that he hadn’t seen his kids in years. Especially because he had been about to do that, Aaron sacrificing his own life to come with him. He wouldn’t have been able to watch Seb grow up. He would have missed out on so much with next to no chance of ever returning.

“I’ve met Harry too.” Andy continues. “Can’t believe I’ve got two nephews. That you two are parents now.”

Robert feels the sadness grow at his brother mentioning their kids when he hasn’t seen his own in so long. He supposes that Andy hasn’t even seen them yet. Despite Robert’s initial reaction at seeing his brother- he feels both love and warmth blossoming in his chest at the thought of Andy coming to see Robert so soon after arriving, realising that he really shouldn’t be that high on his list.

Aaron seems to sense his sadness and squeezes his shoulder before moving to put on the kettle. Robert feels Andy watching the two of them and suddenly feels uncomfortable again even though he knows Andy has no problem with them, not anymore.

_And Aaron. He makes you a better person, you know that don’t ya?_

And it’s not like Andy hasn’t got a whole list of other stuff to worry about.

Still, it feels weird to have Andy here in their home. A home he’s never been to before, with Seb sitting on the couch, a little boy his brother didn’t even know existed before today.

“So how have you been, all of you?” Robert can hardly believe he’s asking. Still he tells him that they are all good and Aaron nods at Andy in agreement.

Andy’s eyes go over all the photos on the mantelpiece, the once hanging up on the wall, the ones on the windowsill.

“I’m happy to see it worked out for the both of ya, I really am.” Robert’s chest feels tight as he thinks about what Andy knows but it seems important to his brother that he has said this so Robert nods at him. “Thank you.”

“This place, it’s really nice.”

Aaron laughs “all done by ‘im. Some questionable choices were made I suppose but yeah it’s nice.” Andy laughs too and Robert smiles as his brother’s eyes wander over their staircase.

He suddenly feels lighter as they all sit down. Robert and Aaron on the couch with Seb in between them, Andy on the chair across of them.

Andy tells them where he’s been, who he’s met, what he’s done. It turns out that he did get Robert’s message about Lachlan and all his crimes, saying that there wouldn’t be any more doubt about it being him who shot Lawrence that day, not Andy. Robert hadn’t been sure if the PI he’d hired had given him the right number as Andy never replied. His brother knew he couldn’t come back and not face any consequences just yet so he waited it out, hiring his own PI to keep him updated until he knew he could come back home to minimal repercussions.

“I will go down to the station later today- I just wanted a chance to explain things first. I will probably face some time but hopefully it won’t be too bad. I just couldn’t do it anymore you know? Always running, always hiding.”

Robert nods, imagining if he and Aaron _had_ gone on the run. The constant stress and worry that Andy is telling him about, is exactly why Robert didn’t want Aaron to live that kind of life. He gets a little lost in his thoughts but Aaron knowingly keeps the conversation going. 

“I know about Vic- erm, why she has Harry. And about you and that monster.” Andy is saying suddenly and Robert feels how his eyes become wet instantly. He imagines that in another universe they both could have been there for their sister. He regrets that, that Vic didn’t have both her brothers by her side during that time. He'll never stop hating how he had to leave her as well- luckily not for long but he still left. 

“Yeah.” It’s all Robert can say, he can’t seem to get more words out.

“I’m glad you got out so soon mate. You should have never been in there in the first place _._ I don’t blame you for hitting him, I really don’t.”

_You should have never been in there in the first place._

There is no hint of a lie in there. Andy means it. After everything he’s done- his brother can still freely say that. That Robert didn’t deserve prison- not even to make up for all the other stuff he’s done.

Aaron grabs his hand and squeezes it and Robert sees the future. One where they see Andy a lot more- where Andy sees the way him and Aaron are together, affectionate and loving. A future where Andy is there to watch them grow their family. A future where they all hang out together, look after each other’s kids. A future where the three of them, Andy, Vic and Robert- are the trio he always knew they could be, the trio he always wished they’d been. A team, strong and always there for each other.

Robert smiles at the thought as he listens to the way Aaron and Andy are joking together.

His brother is home and the lightness Robert feels about that is new but very welcoming.

**Author's Note:**

> definitely took some legal liberties here i suppose :) 
> 
> thank you for reading <3


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